*pout*

Today is just one of those totally unmotivated pouty type days today. I have spent most of the day feeling overwhelmed and glued to the couch.

I put on this pair of pants today ....that 3 years ago were falling off my ass. Yep...I used to complain that they were SO BIG, that I could not wear them outside...and today they barely button.

Do I know what needs to be done... yes of course I do. I know that if I do not workout at LEAST an hour a day...that I CAN NOT lose weight. If I eat without really tracking or trying...I stay at the same weight. 

Its like my body just settles. It has this place that it is just comfortable. I just wish it wasnt so comfortable. It is not like I am eating thousands of calories a day...I eat about 1600 or so ...but my weight does not budge without exercise. Diet has never been enough unless we are talking not eating at all.

What does that come from?? I like to think that all the abuse I did to my body when I was younger (not eating for months...working out a bunch...binge...purge...blah blah blah) ...is the reason that I have a strange weight that my body settles at...but that still doesnt make it any better.

I am not sure that last paragraph made sense...I am just kinda BLAH. 

I am disappointed in my physical self for many reasons. The laundry list of things I do not like about myself seems to stand out so much more when things are not going well. Like my mind digs the hole deeper to remind me why things are not going well...that if I was only prettier or whatever that things would be better. That my life would not have ended up this way...

That maybe...the husband would not have cheated or all the boyfriends before him...that my career would have been better if I had just been hotter...

I think about all the goals I have set and missed...failed at ...and just get further and further down in the ditch of my depressed mind.

All this stemming from not having a job....from not knowing where my life is going. I feel trapped...stuck...without hope...

and YES I logically know there is lots to be happy about and hopeful for. I know that all I need to do is workout....that I have been thinner and in better shape...but there is a part of me that is afraid that I will fail at one more thing one more time and that my world will fall apart. 

That one more check in the FAIL column will send me off the deep end. That life will not even be worth trying for anymore...

I dont know.

I hate to rant and complain like this but thats all my head has been doing today and I want it out. Maybe if I write this ...it will go away.

Tomorrow is another day and I will wake up and try again. I will apply for more jobs and I will do some laundry. I will deposit my final check and move forward. Pay some bills and work out.

I have ZERO excuse for skipping workouts when I dont have a job. I need to make my health my job. 

Maybe start journaling my food. See what I am eating and where I can make improvements. Maybe get that book...or rejoin weight watchers. 

Something.

Yeah...make my health my job. Cant be that hard when I frankly have nothing else to do.