Hey Jealousy! ...

Welcome to the world.

Moral Orel's sister had her first baby tonight. Its a little girl. I bet she is beautiful.

...as I sit here at work...I find myself a bit jealous in a couple of ways. I know jealousy is a terrible thing or whatever...but I feel it a lot...I don't let it change my life...but it happens.

So jealousy point number 1.

Moral Orel is now an uncle. How cool is that!??! I am an only child. I will never be an aunt. My kids wont have other kids to play with in the family. My generation is damn small. My kids wont have cousins.

Sometimes I am jealous of brother/sister relationships or siblings in general. I wonder what it will be like when I lose my mom and I am truly left alone.


Second jealousy point....

I sorta want a kid. Not like OOOO... I WANT A BABY...but sometimes I think about it.

Back in March I was pregnant. Yep...you heard it. Pregnant. I obviously was not able to carry that baby to term ...since I am talking now about wanting kids...

I never really wanted kids before that happened. I was so scared and I just cried and cried. I woke up and knew I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and they said "No way...not with all the medicine you are on." Which by the way included birth control.

But I knew with certainty that I was pregnant....and I was.

I finally made peace with the idea. I bought the books, I talked with a dula friend of mine... I even had a dream about the babies name. I knew it was a girl...and her name was Teagan. A good Irish name.

But then it was over. It was emotional. It was exhausting.

I found myself angry at the father of this now not baby because he had not wanted it...and even requested termination at one point saying "It would be best..."

So he got his way....but naturally.

I felt like a failure. I still sometimes feel like a failure. Its one of those things that a woman is just supposed to be able to do. We make babies! Crack heads... whores...people who hate their children....who drink and smoke through pregnancy...they have babies.

Yet I failed.

*sniffle* ....this all still makes me cry.

I have felt like less of a woman ever since. Depression got worse. Relationship fell apart (but he was a VIOLENT ASSHOLE anyways..and proved to be more so as we broke up) ...

.... so when someone has a baby or I see someone who is pregnant I get jealous.

Maybe its not even jealous...maybe its sad. Maybe it just brings up all the wrong feelings.



So now Moral Orel is an uncle. I am excited for him. He is a wonderful man. He will be a great uncle. He will teach her to be smart and proud of that. He will love her and he will be loved. I think this will change his life forever.

.....like I said....I am jealous of this experience and feeling that I will never get to have (the uncle/aunt part that is) ....


I hope someday people are texting and blogging about my baby. That I am a good mother. That someone loves me enough to want to make that family with me.

Because without family....(the one you are born into or the one you create) ...what else is there??