Tonight I realized...its PMS time.
How do I know??
I had not been getting many replies from Moral via text. I did get one that mentioned he saw his new baby niece tonight and I was happy for him. I replied and then heard nothing back.
Lucky me...I got off work an hour early. I sent him a text to say I was off an hour early...basically hoping he would be like ... COME SEE ME... and I didn't hear anything back. So 15 minutes later, I called.
He was at band practice. Not his band mind you (he is a musician without a band at the moment) but at the house of some mutual friends (more his than mine...I have longevity with them ...he has more time spent) ... and he had just been saying the night before how he wasn't going to go there as much. That he wanted to write more ...clean up his act (meaning ...smoke less) ...and so on and since at his parents house he doesn't do that, I assumed he was home. He didn't mention in the previous texts that he saw his niece and then went to Blazingwood (that's the name of the house)...
Normally not knowing that would irritate me... because I had this vision of hanging out for an hour or so...alone...with him sober... but no...he was out playing games with his friends and when I called...didn't even invite me over or say he wanted to see me.
So he said he would call me later and I said "I will just talk to you tomorrow." and hung up.
No I love you... just a fuming mad hang up.
I mean irrationally...horribly mad...blood boiling.
So I drive home...almost make it and decide that since he said he was leaving Blazingwood in a few minutes that by the time I got there, he would be gone and I could hang with my friends and unwind some.
I get over there and he is still there... *sigh*
I wait in my car a little bit and nope... he doesn't leave.
So I decide to go in... I of course am still irrationally mad.. so I give him the cold shoulder.
Basically the night is shitty. I have a shitty attitude...I cant shake it. Looking at him makes me angry...everything about him makes me angry because of one lame thing.... not knowing what was going on earlier.
Yes...that would have bothered me if I was not PMSing....but when I am...its like 10x worse.
So thats where I am at.
I am home now... hung out long after Moral left...
Oh...yes...when he left I walked him to his car. Said I was sorry for being OFF...we hugged and kissed and he said he would text when he got home.
Couple hours later...no text.
So that is irritating me now too....and basically I am caught between being so angry that I want to throw in the towel (like I said...irrational anger) and feeling like I fucked up so bad that he will never speak to me again.
I am watching crap TV to try and slow down my mind...and of course...ranting on here.
This is NOT what I wanted to use my blog for....but I feel like I need to document these feelings in order to make any progress with them.
*sigh*
I really hate that the day went down like this. I am glad I went over there because we did talk and cuddle some...even though I wanted to rip his head off most of the time.
Oh well... tomorrow is another day.
I am going to leave it up to him to make the first move tomorrow... I just hope he does.
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