So when at work...with nothing else to do... I sometimes read the bump.com to catch up on the world of baby shit.
Frankly...I do not fit in. The moms there seem so shallow and generally awful to me. They are rude, very "high and mighty" and frankly, in person, I would just walk away from all of them.
It is like a giant bitch fest!! I was looking at shower stuff....because well, I know nothing really about showers and thought it would be neat to read stuff and this girl is going off on this other girl for having a shower for her second child.
Screaming from the hills that it is tacky and blah blah blah.... but seriously?? WHO CARES!?!?
If she wants a party, then let her have a party!! I get that the "rules" say that you should not and that you should VERY MUCH NOT throw your own shower but seriously....why get so worked up over it?? Why tear someone else down? Who the fuck do you think you are??
I dunno... I am frankly tired of people right now. Maybe this is just pregnancy hormones but fuckin hell.
People suck!
*rant over*
Monday, December 12, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Alice in Wonderland got me thinking about the sex...
Good morning and happy Friday!
Woke up nice and early today...it is week 16 and I have a doc appointment. Did you know, they make you pee in a cup at home before you go in?? YUCK! So I got up, went pee in the tiny cup at home and now, just have not been able to go back to sleep.
So what do I do with the boy out of town in Reno for work and a morning to myself and a doc appointment at 2:45PM? I watch Alice in Wonderland. The newer one...
Woke up nice and early today...it is week 16 and I have a doc appointment. Did you know, they make you pee in a cup at home before you go in?? YUCK! So I got up, went pee in the tiny cup at home and now, just have not been able to go back to sleep.
So what do I do with the boy out of town in Reno for work and a morning to myself and a doc appointment at 2:45PM? I watch Alice in Wonderland. The newer one...
One of my all time favorite stories is Alice in Wonderland...and of course the new movie with Johnny Depp is Through the Looking Glass and not the original tale of Alice in Wonderland...I enjoy it oh so very much.
The end of the movie got me thinking... where she stands up for herself and decides not to marry and goes to work for the company instead...how much I would like to have a girl.
Of course...I would be happy either way...but something about a girl makes me a tiny bit extra happy.
I was raised without my father in the picture. He has several other kids with several other women and has spent time with them but ignored me my whole life. When I was small he would call and just say "is your mother there..."
This father issue has caused so many issues in my adult life that I have worked hard to overcome but still, fight with on occasion. Feelings of inadequacy and abandonment.
The boy and I are not married (as my mother was not to my father) and at first, that scared me to death...I felt as if I was repeating history and that I too would end up alone in all this..but through these first 16 weeks, we have discussed these issues and we were already talking about getting married..we are just now doing this first instead. We do not want to marry NOW just because we are having a kid. This needs to be a decision made out of love. Would not want the child thinking we married just because of them...that is not an example I want to set.
So...the end of the movie...this strong Alice gage me the idea of raising a girl...stronger than me...with a father who is there and loves her, and this makes me really really happy. It actually makes me cry. Growing up, I did not see a father daughter relationship that was healthy. My cousins are all boys (except the ones that married in later) and my one good friend as a young girl, had a father who molested her. Fathers were never something I thought of as a good thing.
I really think the boy will be an amazing father...he is more excited about this baby than I am (I think I am still trapped in my head and emotions with this one) ... and it would just be wonderful to see this happen in front of my eyes with a girl ....
Anyhoo...we have decided not to find out the sex...I think it will be a fun surprise...but yeah...I am home alone with the boy at work in Reno for the week and watching a movie being lazy with a bowl of cereal and the cat (Miss Kitty) and the end of the movie, where she says they should take the trade route all the way to China and she gets on that ship as a strong woman, just wow...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Parenting scares...bad reality TV and more.
Being a parent. That STILL has not quite hit me all the way. Someone is going to rely on me to raise them, teach them and prepare them for life.
I am not strict religious but more spiritual and the father is an atheist. We have been talking about things that will/will not be important to us but also how to let the child feel "normal" in some ways with their school friends and what not.
We do not want to lie to the kid. Meaning, we do not want to do things like the tooth fairy, Easter bunny or Santa. Yes...I said Santa. We are not going to teach the whole man in a red outfit coming in the house kinda thing. I was thinking more along the lines of teaching about Saint Nick and the good work he did when he was alive along with the Pegan (sp?) things such as the symbol of the tree and what not.
The same goes for Easter, teaching the spring festival instead of the religious points of Easter. Of course the sexual things of the spring festival will wait until this person is much older, but you know what I mean.
Will that make my kid a bit of an outsider?? Maybe. I will also have to find a way to teach them not to ruin Christmas or other traditions for the kids who are taught to believe because I do not want to ruin anyone elses parenting styles...this is just what I think will work for us.
....so what has me thinking about all this parenting stuff?? I have been very very very very very ill with my morning sickness. Missed 4 days of work now...with only daytime reality type TV shows to keep me company and I started watching the TLC program, Sister Wives.
This is about a polygamist family in Utah who basically went public with their lifestyle. I am enjoying seeing the dynamic. I have always been a believer in it takes a village to raise a child and that other adult and child influences on the child are very valuable but at the same time, they are talking about how people judge and are afraid of what they do not understand but they are not addressing the things that cause these issues to begin with.
If they want us to understand them better ...they also need to talk about the bad that is out there in their religion. Those extreme members with the compounds and the child brides. So far (I am on season 2, episode 8) they have not addressed this at all.
I think that if they were more open about the negative stuff...meaning acknowledging it and addressing concerns, that more people would give them less crap about their lifestyle.
From what I can see, this family works. Does it work for me?? No way. Unprotected sex with 3 other women and making babies with those women, no way. I am WAY too jealous for that. I would love to have land with houses and all my friends and close family around to share in raising each others kids and things like that...but sharing the man himself, no way. Not for me.
Honestly, I like all the women except one; Robyn. She bothers me for some reason...maybe because she is new and she does not seem to have the same dynamic that the original 3 wives had but I am not sure.
What I do like is that he was married to the original 3 BEFORE any children were born and I would probably like the show more if it had stayed that way. When you have your lifestyle established and THEN bring children into it, I think it is much healthier but again, it is not really my place to judge...but I will judge anyway. It is what humans do.
As for the MORE part of my subject line...I can not reply to comments on my own blog!! Does anyone know why that is?? It says I am not authorized to comment!! I can not figure this out. Some of you who read me are professionals at this, so maybe you can offer me some advice but to reply to Dani...
I am due in late May or early June. Anywhere from May 25th to June 3rd. I actually like having such a wide range because it lets me feel like I can relax without a DEADLINE. It will kinda happen when it happens...and I like that.
What is interesting is I will be turning 30 on May 27th..so no matter when it comes, it will be so close to my birthday!
Let us see now if I can keep some food in me this afternoon!
I am not strict religious but more spiritual and the father is an atheist. We have been talking about things that will/will not be important to us but also how to let the child feel "normal" in some ways with their school friends and what not.
We do not want to lie to the kid. Meaning, we do not want to do things like the tooth fairy, Easter bunny or Santa. Yes...I said Santa. We are not going to teach the whole man in a red outfit coming in the house kinda thing. I was thinking more along the lines of teaching about Saint Nick and the good work he did when he was alive along with the Pegan (sp?) things such as the symbol of the tree and what not.
The same goes for Easter, teaching the spring festival instead of the religious points of Easter. Of course the sexual things of the spring festival will wait until this person is much older, but you know what I mean.
Will that make my kid a bit of an outsider?? Maybe. I will also have to find a way to teach them not to ruin Christmas or other traditions for the kids who are taught to believe because I do not want to ruin anyone elses parenting styles...this is just what I think will work for us.
....so what has me thinking about all this parenting stuff?? I have been very very very very very ill with my morning sickness. Missed 4 days of work now...with only daytime reality type TV shows to keep me company and I started watching the TLC program, Sister Wives.
This is about a polygamist family in Utah who basically went public with their lifestyle. I am enjoying seeing the dynamic. I have always been a believer in it takes a village to raise a child and that other adult and child influences on the child are very valuable but at the same time, they are talking about how people judge and are afraid of what they do not understand but they are not addressing the things that cause these issues to begin with.
If they want us to understand them better ...they also need to talk about the bad that is out there in their religion. Those extreme members with the compounds and the child brides. So far (I am on season 2, episode 8) they have not addressed this at all.
I think that if they were more open about the negative stuff...meaning acknowledging it and addressing concerns, that more people would give them less crap about their lifestyle.
From what I can see, this family works. Does it work for me?? No way. Unprotected sex with 3 other women and making babies with those women, no way. I am WAY too jealous for that. I would love to have land with houses and all my friends and close family around to share in raising each others kids and things like that...but sharing the man himself, no way. Not for me.
Honestly, I like all the women except one; Robyn. She bothers me for some reason...maybe because she is new and she does not seem to have the same dynamic that the original 3 wives had but I am not sure.
What I do like is that he was married to the original 3 BEFORE any children were born and I would probably like the show more if it had stayed that way. When you have your lifestyle established and THEN bring children into it, I think it is much healthier but again, it is not really my place to judge...but I will judge anyway. It is what humans do.
As for the MORE part of my subject line...I can not reply to comments on my own blog!! Does anyone know why that is?? It says I am not authorized to comment!! I can not figure this out. Some of you who read me are professionals at this, so maybe you can offer me some advice but to reply to Dani...
I am due in late May or early June. Anywhere from May 25th to June 3rd. I actually like having such a wide range because it lets me feel like I can relax without a DEADLINE. It will kinda happen when it happens...and I like that.
What is interesting is I will be turning 30 on May 27th..so no matter when it comes, it will be so close to my birthday!
Let us see now if I can keep some food in me this afternoon!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
New blog name...same girl chatting...
So yes, I changed the name of my blog because well, frankly, I am tired of some things and I just want a place where I can be real.
The big news??
I am pregnant. Yep...you heard it here first. I am 9 weeks pregnant and my whole life has been turned upside down and every time I express my worry, concern, discomfort and so on ...on any of those mommy to be forums, I get internet bashed.
We are talking a full out flame war because I am stressed, sick, worried and not just over come with joy that I am pregnant.
Of course I would not be saying anything about this if I had any plans on not following through with it. I also have been keeping my mouth shut (except for reaching out online for support from strangers) because I was pregnant last year and there was a loss.
But tonight...I am tired, my boobs hurt more than anything I ever thought could, I had to stop ALL MY MEDS cold turkey (because duh..I was not trying to get pregnant) and I just want to complain sometimes.
I am not feeling the joy of pregnancy. I spend all day sick to my stomach and tired, I can not take sleeping pills and I have injuries in my back and neck that can no longer be handled with meds or even be investigated further due to what they would need to do.
I know this gets better.....but where are the REAL pregnant women out there?? Where are the women who got pregnant by accident and who were not quite ready but are taking on the challenge? Where are those who are not thinking this is the greatest thing in their lives ever? Who are sick and tired of being sick and tired??
Only a few people read this...and maybe not even that but it is at least a place where if someone does find it, they can be honest in their reply and maybe say what is making them crazy too. Talk about all the stuff that is hard about being pregnant, working, in a still new-ish relationship and so on.
On another note...my friend died today. She had breast cancer and I did not even get to tell her I was pregnant. I did not get to see her in her new home in Atlanta...we were planning a cruise for next year ...I did not think that my last conversation with her would truly have been my last.
Maybe that was the motivation to change this blog over to a real life rant...but I realize that I do not have time to sit and worry and feel judged on other internet sites. Forget those sites....I do not need them.
All I need are the people that love me, support me and want to be a part of all this ever changing stuff.
So if that is you...stay tuned.
The big news??
I am pregnant. Yep...you heard it here first. I am 9 weeks pregnant and my whole life has been turned upside down and every time I express my worry, concern, discomfort and so on ...on any of those mommy to be forums, I get internet bashed.
We are talking a full out flame war because I am stressed, sick, worried and not just over come with joy that I am pregnant.
Of course I would not be saying anything about this if I had any plans on not following through with it. I also have been keeping my mouth shut (except for reaching out online for support from strangers) because I was pregnant last year and there was a loss.
But tonight...I am tired, my boobs hurt more than anything I ever thought could, I had to stop ALL MY MEDS cold turkey (because duh..I was not trying to get pregnant) and I just want to complain sometimes.
I am not feeling the joy of pregnancy. I spend all day sick to my stomach and tired, I can not take sleeping pills and I have injuries in my back and neck that can no longer be handled with meds or even be investigated further due to what they would need to do.
I know this gets better.....but where are the REAL pregnant women out there?? Where are the women who got pregnant by accident and who were not quite ready but are taking on the challenge? Where are those who are not thinking this is the greatest thing in their lives ever? Who are sick and tired of being sick and tired??
Only a few people read this...and maybe not even that but it is at least a place where if someone does find it, they can be honest in their reply and maybe say what is making them crazy too. Talk about all the stuff that is hard about being pregnant, working, in a still new-ish relationship and so on.
On another note...my friend died today. She had breast cancer and I did not even get to tell her I was pregnant. I did not get to see her in her new home in Atlanta...we were planning a cruise for next year ...I did not think that my last conversation with her would truly have been my last.
Maybe that was the motivation to change this blog over to a real life rant...but I realize that I do not have time to sit and worry and feel judged on other internet sites. Forget those sites....I do not need them.
All I need are the people that love me, support me and want to be a part of all this ever changing stuff.
So if that is you...stay tuned.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
If I ever got married...
On this lovely Sunday ...when I am on the last leg of a cold...I have been watching WE TV wedding Sunday.
In thinking about my maybe someday I will get married again wedding...I have really decided that I would like to elope with just my mom...Gail (best friend) and maybe a few others...but we are talking like 10 max.
I think that would work well...then throw a club party when we got back with all our musician friends (this is if I married the boy) ....but yeah. I dont want a big production...I want a nice dress...a beautiful location and everything super low key.
I dont want a bouquet toss...I dont want any of that kinda stuff...I just want to have a good time somewhere...
When I started to really fall in love with the boy...he was on a business trip in Savannah Georgia for work...and they dont have a waiting period.
I dunno...blah! haha
Who knows if I will ever get married...but I think if I ever do...I dont want it to be a big thing. I want it to be the private...intimate event that I have always wanted.
In thinking about my maybe someday I will get married again wedding...I have really decided that I would like to elope with just my mom...Gail (best friend) and maybe a few others...but we are talking like 10 max.
I think that would work well...then throw a club party when we got back with all our musician friends (this is if I married the boy) ....but yeah. I dont want a big production...I want a nice dress...a beautiful location and everything super low key.
I dont want a bouquet toss...I dont want any of that kinda stuff...I just want to have a good time somewhere...
When I started to really fall in love with the boy...he was on a business trip in Savannah Georgia for work...and they dont have a waiting period.
I dunno...blah! haha
Who knows if I will ever get married...but I think if I ever do...I dont want it to be a big thing. I want it to be the private...intimate event that I have always wanted.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Nightmares...
For the past few nights...I have been having nightmares.
Now of course I am staying up all hours of the night watching Criminal Minds...so nightmares would be expected but these are not about kidnappings or rapes or murder or anything that the show covers.
I keep having nightmares that I am pregnant. *sigh*
My period is due in a week....and I think I know where all this is coming from, I have 2 women in my life who are pregnant right now and do not want to be...but I wish that their bad juju was not falling on me. I am hoping that is all it is...that I am stressing because they are stressing but I can not wait until I get my period!!
How often do you think that!?!? haha Most of the time, I am dreading it but this time...I WANT IT! One more week. One week. One week of freaking out and one week of nightmares.
Blah blah blah.
Now of course I am staying up all hours of the night watching Criminal Minds...so nightmares would be expected but these are not about kidnappings or rapes or murder or anything that the show covers.
I keep having nightmares that I am pregnant. *sigh*
My period is due in a week....and I think I know where all this is coming from, I have 2 women in my life who are pregnant right now and do not want to be...but I wish that their bad juju was not falling on me. I am hoping that is all it is...that I am stressing because they are stressing but I can not wait until I get my period!!
How often do you think that!?!? haha Most of the time, I am dreading it but this time...I WANT IT! One more week. One week. One week of freaking out and one week of nightmares.
Blah blah blah.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Life...its a funny thing.
Tonight...as I watch Criminal Minds (yes...started the show from the beginning and now I am HOOKED!) I found out my friend had both her breasts removed.
We found out recently that she had stage 4 breast cancer....I mean she literally woke up and one of her breasts was doubled in size. How could they have missed this??? She was going to school for nursing stuff...I mean I am just floored that no one saw this.
She moved to Atlanta recently... left her whole life...her kids are grown and she was getting out and doing something for herself...so exciting...now so much change.
I thought she was having surgery in April...
*sigh*
I need to get my butt to Atlanta.
In other news...I weighed in today... 256! not bad at all.
We found out recently that she had stage 4 breast cancer....I mean she literally woke up and one of her breasts was doubled in size. How could they have missed this??? She was going to school for nursing stuff...I mean I am just floored that no one saw this.
She moved to Atlanta recently... left her whole life...her kids are grown and she was getting out and doing something for herself...so exciting...now so much change.
I thought she was having surgery in April...
*sigh*
I need to get my butt to Atlanta.
In other news...I weighed in today... 256! not bad at all.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I have the FLU!!
3 days with a fever...but at least that is gone now.
I just lay in bed and suffer...not hungry...not thirsty...just stuffy...feeling gross.
So no workout to report but I am not eating a bunch of anything either..so thats at least a good balance.
I just lay in bed and suffer...not hungry...not thirsty...just stuffy...feeling gross.
So no workout to report but I am not eating a bunch of anything either..so thats at least a good balance.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Another day... another workout...
So I have admittedly been a huge slacker ....I have been working out sporadically...but nothing serious. I did complete some long walks (8 miles) in preparation for Bay to Breakers (BTW...I still need donations for Breathe California! Read about it and donate HERE!!)
But thats not the point... I am starting to wonder how many times someone can "start" and "fail" and keep on going without seeming ridiculous...I have been saying I am going to lose this weight for 8 years...I lost a good chunk of it back in 2006...got down to 200lbs...but then it came right back.
The only way I lose weight is working out every day...if I want to be thinner/smaller ... I have to realize that and make a commitment to it being a daily thing.
Anyhoo...today I busted out my TransFIRMer and did the supercharged sculpting workout...which is a combo of cardio and weights and SUPER HIGH stepping.
My legs feel like jello as I am sprawled across my bed writing this blog entry but that is a good thing. Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, I would like to get out and do a long walk at an easy pace and see how I do. Tonight when I get back from dinner with 21, I would like to bang out some yoga ...
No job = all the time in the world... so I have no excuses...I just need to figure out how to get past my fears and insecurities and just do this.
Well, in this workout...well before it...I took my measurements and I am going to do that every 10 FIRM workouts (about 3 weeks) so I can track my progress. I am also going to weigh in at that time as well and post it in my blog update such as this one I am writing now. This way, I am more accountable.
These numbers are pre-workout in my workout clothing (meaning sports bra)
Name: Jessica
Height: 5'5" (on a good day..haha)
Weight: 264lbs (Yikes)
Arms: 18"
Bust: 48" (50 in a regular bra)
Under Bust: 43"
Waist: 44" (smallest part of me)
Abs: 48" (1" above the belly button)
Hips: 51"
R Thigh: 32"
L Thigh: 31"
I dont give a shit about my calves at all...nor my forearms, neck or a lot of the other things they say you should measure...I just care about the above measurements.
So with Bay to Breakers like 12 weeks away...I am trying to set a reasonable goal for myself ... What do you think a reasonable goal would be for some sort of loss between now and then??
Yep..thats it...that is me...for now...
Each day, I am planning to hop on here just after I finish my workouts and post what I did for the day and my thoughts/feelings about it. Might be at the very end of the day, before I go to sleep so I can include yoga in the post (since I like to do that right before bed)
<3 <3 <3
But thats not the point... I am starting to wonder how many times someone can "start" and "fail" and keep on going without seeming ridiculous...I have been saying I am going to lose this weight for 8 years...I lost a good chunk of it back in 2006...got down to 200lbs...but then it came right back.
The only way I lose weight is working out every day...if I want to be thinner/smaller ... I have to realize that and make a commitment to it being a daily thing.
Anyhoo...today I busted out my TransFIRMer and did the supercharged sculpting workout...which is a combo of cardio and weights and SUPER HIGH stepping.
My legs feel like jello as I am sprawled across my bed writing this blog entry but that is a good thing. Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, I would like to get out and do a long walk at an easy pace and see how I do. Tonight when I get back from dinner with 21, I would like to bang out some yoga ...
No job = all the time in the world... so I have no excuses...I just need to figure out how to get past my fears and insecurities and just do this.
Well, in this workout...well before it...I took my measurements and I am going to do that every 10 FIRM workouts (about 3 weeks) so I can track my progress. I am also going to weigh in at that time as well and post it in my blog update such as this one I am writing now. This way, I am more accountable.
These numbers are pre-workout in my workout clothing (meaning sports bra)
Name: Jessica
Height: 5'5" (on a good day..haha)
Weight: 264lbs (Yikes)
Arms: 18"
Bust: 48" (50 in a regular bra)
Under Bust: 43"
Waist: 44" (smallest part of me)
Abs: 48" (1" above the belly button)
Hips: 51"
R Thigh: 32"
L Thigh: 31"
I dont give a shit about my calves at all...nor my forearms, neck or a lot of the other things they say you should measure...I just care about the above measurements.
So with Bay to Breakers like 12 weeks away...I am trying to set a reasonable goal for myself ... What do you think a reasonable goal would be for some sort of loss between now and then??
Yep..thats it...that is me...for now...
Each day, I am planning to hop on here just after I finish my workouts and post what I did for the day and my thoughts/feelings about it. Might be at the very end of the day, before I go to sleep so I can include yoga in the post (since I like to do that right before bed)
<3 <3 <3
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
16 and Pregnant... damn you MTV
Sometimes I stay up late and waste my time online...
Ok...most nights I waste my time online ....and tonight I have decided to waste my time on MTV.com
I believe I have mentioned before...that I had a miscarriage in April...
That was the first time I have ever been prego...before that, I was never even sure I wanted kids. In fact..I was pretty against having kids. I never really saw it in my life.
Then...one Sunday morning, I woke up and KNEW I was pregnant. I mean, I just knew. I was 100% sure and all the tests proved my gut right.
That was the first time I had ever felt this like...supreme knowledge, where every fiber in your being tells you the answer to the question you did not even ask.
We were careful....I mean really overly 2 types of birth control kinda careful and here I was...28 and pregnant.
This is of course much better than 16 and pregnant...
My now ex...did not want the baby and I was scared to death...but I knew at that moment that I wanted to be a mom.
Now...I get these pings of mom craving (especially the week after my period...which ended 2 days ago) ....
but I am way off track...
I used to watch 16 and Pregnant before this whole thing happened. I made snotty remarks about how stupid these kids were and so on...
Now...tonight as I watch this...I am jealous. Part of me is like "wow...I want this too."
Of course its not in the cards right now. I do not have a job, I live at home and I am barely into a new relationship....but I really feel like its something that I want and as I get older...(I know I am not OLD...but...I would like to have kids before a certain age) ...I just hope that someday I will be married and have my guy say he wants to have a baby too.
When I am with 21...(Yes...Moral Orel is now being called 21) ...I feel like this is it. That I have found the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. As someone who was married before...I can honestly say that I did NOT feel this then nor with any other person.
The feeling physically mimics the KNOWING feeling I had when I knew I was prego....and that is so calming and so scary at the same time.
I see all these things I want and I know they are lining up in some ways...but I am so scared that this feeling is wrong and these things wont happen.
....I dont know...I am rambling and I can tell I am just tired.
Its just strange being jealous of a show I spent so much time looking down on.
Good things will come...my life will come back together...and how things are meant to happen will happen. <3
Ok...most nights I waste my time online ....and tonight I have decided to waste my time on MTV.com
I believe I have mentioned before...that I had a miscarriage in April...
That was the first time I have ever been prego...before that, I was never even sure I wanted kids. In fact..I was pretty against having kids. I never really saw it in my life.
Then...one Sunday morning, I woke up and KNEW I was pregnant. I mean, I just knew. I was 100% sure and all the tests proved my gut right.
That was the first time I had ever felt this like...supreme knowledge, where every fiber in your being tells you the answer to the question you did not even ask.
We were careful....I mean really overly 2 types of birth control kinda careful and here I was...28 and pregnant.
This is of course much better than 16 and pregnant...
My now ex...did not want the baby and I was scared to death...but I knew at that moment that I wanted to be a mom.
Now...I get these pings of mom craving (especially the week after my period...which ended 2 days ago) ....
but I am way off track...
I used to watch 16 and Pregnant before this whole thing happened. I made snotty remarks about how stupid these kids were and so on...
Now...tonight as I watch this...I am jealous. Part of me is like "wow...I want this too."
Of course its not in the cards right now. I do not have a job, I live at home and I am barely into a new relationship....but I really feel like its something that I want and as I get older...(I know I am not OLD...but...I would like to have kids before a certain age) ...I just hope that someday I will be married and have my guy say he wants to have a baby too.
When I am with 21...(Yes...Moral Orel is now being called 21) ...I feel like this is it. That I have found the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. As someone who was married before...I can honestly say that I did NOT feel this then nor with any other person.
The feeling physically mimics the KNOWING feeling I had when I knew I was prego....and that is so calming and so scary at the same time.
I see all these things I want and I know they are lining up in some ways...but I am so scared that this feeling is wrong and these things wont happen.
....I dont know...I am rambling and I can tell I am just tired.
Its just strange being jealous of a show I spent so much time looking down on.
Good things will come...my life will come back together...and how things are meant to happen will happen. <3
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Moving Forward... at last!!
My life is finally starting to take steps in the right direction...
Today I had an interview with a company I am VERY VERY interested in. The first part of the interview went well, but the second part...not so much. I dont know if this exact position is the best for me but I have like 30 applications in with them for various locations and departments so we shall see where I end up!
Tonight I am spending the night with 21. Yes, folks... Morel Oral has a new name. We are going to call him 21..let me explain.
We were catching up on season 4 of the Venture Brothers (if you watch the show...and are not caught up on season 4... STOP READING. SPOILER!!)
****** Venture Brothers SPOILER ALERT ******
In the second half of the season, 24 is killed and 21 is keeping the skull and trying to avenge his friends death. Now these numbered fellows are henchmen for The Monarch.
The Monarch for a long time was dating Dr. Girlfriend... I really like her character. She is smart and supportive of his crazy arch enemy ways and really loves The Monarch.
Well...the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend marry and she is now Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.
Monarch goes into coma trying to get his enemy and 21 (who I always crushed on) and Dr. Girlfriend end up making out!!! Its so hot!
he goes from nothing kinda lame guy to super amazing henchman because of his desire to avenge his friend...I mean he gets buff and smart and is just hot now...hahaha
The character has similar features to my guy and he and I laughed so hard when they made out because we kept saying they should hook up and so we are planning on Halloween this year being those characters...
and well..he said he liked 21 better than Morel Oral... so it works for both of us.
Anyhoo...wow...yeah... so tomorrow I am going to follow up with more locations and see if there are hiring managers I can have a sitdown with and go over why I would be so awesome at X (position I applied for at specific location)
I just have to be persistent.
My ambien is saying its time for bed... so off I go.
Today I had an interview with a company I am VERY VERY interested in. The first part of the interview went well, but the second part...not so much. I dont know if this exact position is the best for me but I have like 30 applications in with them for various locations and departments so we shall see where I end up!
Tonight I am spending the night with 21. Yes, folks... Morel Oral has a new name. We are going to call him 21..let me explain.
We were catching up on season 4 of the Venture Brothers (if you watch the show...and are not caught up on season 4... STOP READING. SPOILER!!)
****** Venture Brothers SPOILER ALERT ******
In the second half of the season, 24 is killed and 21 is keeping the skull and trying to avenge his friends death. Now these numbered fellows are henchmen for The Monarch.
The Monarch for a long time was dating Dr. Girlfriend... I really like her character. She is smart and supportive of his crazy arch enemy ways and really loves The Monarch.
Well...the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend marry and she is now Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.
Monarch goes into coma trying to get his enemy and 21 (who I always crushed on) and Dr. Girlfriend end up making out!!! Its so hot!
he goes from nothing kinda lame guy to super amazing henchman because of his desire to avenge his friend...I mean he gets buff and smart and is just hot now...hahaha
The character has similar features to my guy and he and I laughed so hard when they made out because we kept saying they should hook up and so we are planning on Halloween this year being those characters...
and well..he said he liked 21 better than Morel Oral... so it works for both of us.
Anyhoo...wow...yeah... so tomorrow I am going to follow up with more locations and see if there are hiring managers I can have a sitdown with and go over why I would be so awesome at X (position I applied for at specific location)
I just have to be persistent.
My ambien is saying its time for bed... so off I go.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Another Step in the Right Direction....(I need YOUR help!!)
Yep....I am doing something...making a change. I am going to WALK (no running for me quite yet) the 12k Bay to Breakers in May!!
Its about 2 weeks before my birthday and what a way to turn 29!
The COOLEST part of how I am doing this is really WHO I am doing it for. I am doing this as a fundraiser for Breathe California!
With all the people dying around me from things like lung cancer and COPD and emphysema and so on, I thought there would be no better way to better myself and those around me.
I got the idea when my friend said she was going to do Bay to Breakers and I was sad that I did not have the money to register (being jobless and all) so I was reading more about it, thinking I would just register when I got a job or unemployment and BOOM I came across the beneficiary of the event. I saw that you can RUN in their honor and I was like, I cant run.
So I reached out to the lovely people at Breathe California and received a reply from a great guy named Steve who said SURE YOU CAN DO IT AS A WALKER!
I am registered, made my page and now I just have to reach my goal of 250.00 to be officially set in the Bay to Breakers race!
Not only is this my first time and my best friends first time as well (she is a great runner though) ...it is also the 100th anniversary of the event! How cool is that!?!?
Now...here is the "I need YOUR help" part. You can check out my page and donate!
http://events.ggbreathe.org/goto/Jessica_Mirch
Pass it along to everyone you know. If I just got one dollar from every facebook friend, I would hit my goal so lets make this happen!!
<3 <3 <3
Its about 2 weeks before my birthday and what a way to turn 29!
The COOLEST part of how I am doing this is really WHO I am doing it for. I am doing this as a fundraiser for Breathe California!
With all the people dying around me from things like lung cancer and COPD and emphysema and so on, I thought there would be no better way to better myself and those around me.
I got the idea when my friend said she was going to do Bay to Breakers and I was sad that I did not have the money to register (being jobless and all) so I was reading more about it, thinking I would just register when I got a job or unemployment and BOOM I came across the beneficiary of the event. I saw that you can RUN in their honor and I was like, I cant run.
So I reached out to the lovely people at Breathe California and received a reply from a great guy named Steve who said SURE YOU CAN DO IT AS A WALKER!
I am registered, made my page and now I just have to reach my goal of 250.00 to be officially set in the Bay to Breakers race!
Not only is this my first time and my best friends first time as well (she is a great runner though) ...it is also the 100th anniversary of the event! How cool is that!?!?
Now...here is the "I need YOUR help" part. You can check out my page and donate!
http://events.ggbreathe.org/goto/Jessica_Mirch
Pass it along to everyone you know. If I just got one dollar from every facebook friend, I would hit my goal so lets make this happen!!
<3 <3 <3
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Blah blah blah (An update of sorts)
So..here is the "skinny"....
Still no job (boo)
Got a Nook for Christmas from my mom
Still not working out like I should be since I dont have a job!
Applications coming out my ears!
Still dating the same guy....
and really, thats about it. I dont really have much to say right now...I am at a 2 day catholic funeral about 100 miles from home in a hotel where my mom is asleep in the other queen bed and I am reading a book called "Become Your Own Matchmaker"
Its the book from that chick Patti from the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo (New episode tonight inspired me to read the book)
and I think that I will focus a couple of blog entries on the things she suggests to do in this book to be happy with yourself and attract a mate.
I know I am dating currently so the "dating detox" is kinda out of the question but the activities she suggests doing during the dating detox are good activities that I think I could use.
So yes... more to blog I swear...I have the power and I have the dreams I just need to find out whats holding me back.
I think it is the fear of failure...that even if I work out that nothing will happen ...that I will never love myself fully and well...be a general mess forever...but I cant let that be the case.
When I moved to Portland back in 2007 ...I was 60lbs less than I am now. I wasnt thrilled with myself but I had cute clothes and definitely felt better than I do now.
Right now thats my goal...to be back to my pre-Portland weight. I need to figure out how to do that and such without setting a goal I cant achieve.
How did I do it before? with the FIRM and the TransFIRMer system. I dont have my steps anymore (sad face) but I know there are other workouts that work too and shit...I am serious. I dont have a job. What the fuck am I doing with my life!?!??!
I have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD ... *sigh*
So yes yes...I need to get my act together and I literally have ZERO excuses.
I should try and sleep.
Funeral mass early tomorrow. *sigh*
More to come!
Still no job (boo)
Got a Nook for Christmas from my mom
Still not working out like I should be since I dont have a job!
Applications coming out my ears!
Still dating the same guy....
and really, thats about it. I dont really have much to say right now...I am at a 2 day catholic funeral about 100 miles from home in a hotel where my mom is asleep in the other queen bed and I am reading a book called "Become Your Own Matchmaker"
Its the book from that chick Patti from the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo (New episode tonight inspired me to read the book)
and I think that I will focus a couple of blog entries on the things she suggests to do in this book to be happy with yourself and attract a mate.
I know I am dating currently so the "dating detox" is kinda out of the question but the activities she suggests doing during the dating detox are good activities that I think I could use.
So yes... more to blog I swear...I have the power and I have the dreams I just need to find out whats holding me back.
I think it is the fear of failure...that even if I work out that nothing will happen ...that I will never love myself fully and well...be a general mess forever...but I cant let that be the case.
When I moved to Portland back in 2007 ...I was 60lbs less than I am now. I wasnt thrilled with myself but I had cute clothes and definitely felt better than I do now.
Right now thats my goal...to be back to my pre-Portland weight. I need to figure out how to do that and such without setting a goal I cant achieve.
How did I do it before? with the FIRM and the TransFIRMer system. I dont have my steps anymore (sad face) but I know there are other workouts that work too and shit...I am serious. I dont have a job. What the fuck am I doing with my life!?!??!
I have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD ... *sigh*
So yes yes...I need to get my act together and I literally have ZERO excuses.
I should try and sleep.
Funeral mass early tomorrow. *sigh*
More to come!
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