UPDATE: *pout*

So I just posted my long pout post and after posting, I did something about my pout.

I downloaded a food tracking program on my blackberry and signed up for it online. 

www.fatsecret.com

I set myself up to join a challenge that starts in 2 days. Its a way to stay accountable and have goals to hit, like 3 workouts a week and such.

Second thing...I have been asked to test for a job for the county! They have like 8 test times, so lots of people are testing but I still have hopes.

Anyhoo. If you are on FatSecret.com ....come be my buddy!!

*pout*

Today is just one of those totally unmotivated pouty type days today. I have spent most of the day feeling overwhelmed and glued to the couch.

I put on this pair of pants today ....that 3 years ago were falling off my ass. Yep...I used to complain that they were SO BIG, that I could not wear them outside...and today they barely button.

Do I know what needs to be done... yes of course I do. I know that if I do not workout at LEAST an hour a day...that I CAN NOT lose weight. If I eat without really tracking or trying...I stay at the same weight. 

Its like my body just settles. It has this place that it is just comfortable. I just wish it wasnt so comfortable. It is not like I am eating thousands of calories a day...I eat about 1600 or so ...but my weight does not budge without exercise. Diet has never been enough unless we are talking not eating at all.

What does that come from?? I like to think that all the abuse I did to my body when I was younger (not eating for months...working out a bunch...binge...purge...blah blah blah) ...is the reason that I have a strange weight that my body settles at...but that still doesnt make it any better.

I am not sure that last paragraph made sense...I am just kinda BLAH. 

I am disappointed in my physical self for many reasons. The laundry list of things I do not like about myself seems to stand out so much more when things are not going well. Like my mind digs the hole deeper to remind me why things are not going well...that if I was only prettier or whatever that things would be better. That my life would not have ended up this way...

That maybe...the husband would not have cheated or all the boyfriends before him...that my career would have been better if I had just been hotter...

I think about all the goals I have set and missed...failed at ...and just get further and further down in the ditch of my depressed mind.

All this stemming from not having a job....from not knowing where my life is going. I feel trapped...stuck...without hope...

and YES I logically know there is lots to be happy about and hopeful for. I know that all I need to do is workout....that I have been thinner and in better shape...but there is a part of me that is afraid that I will fail at one more thing one more time and that my world will fall apart. 

That one more check in the FAIL column will send me off the deep end. That life will not even be worth trying for anymore...

I dont know.

I hate to rant and complain like this but thats all my head has been doing today and I want it out. Maybe if I write this ...it will go away.

Tomorrow is another day and I will wake up and try again. I will apply for more jobs and I will do some laundry. I will deposit my final check and move forward. Pay some bills and work out.

I have ZERO excuse for skipping workouts when I dont have a job. I need to make my health my job. 

Maybe start journaling my food. See what I am eating and where I can make improvements. Maybe get that book...or rejoin weight watchers. 

Something.

Yeah...make my health my job. Cant be that hard when I frankly have nothing else to do.

Jobs....Benefits.... *sigh*

This morning I woke up feeling HORRIBLE. Like there was a rock in my stomach....reminds me a lot of how I felt before I had my emergency surgery back in June.

I know it cant be the same thing...since they removed what was my issue before...I think I maybe had too much wine and aggravated an ulcer....but can I find out?? Nope...no job = no benefits.

This is where it becomes scary....I worry about stuff like this getting out of hand. It makes me want to cry. I am scared there will be something seriously wrong and I wont know it.

I miss the freedom of having benefits....getting taken care of when I need to...but since I left Verizon in August I have not had benefits and its just now starting to get scary.

Its bad enough paying for medications out of pocket...but now I am scared and cant really do much about it.


I am going to bed soon....ambien is melting as I type...and I have decided if I wake up feeling this bad tomorrow, I will just let them bill me and go see the doctor....I am just too freaked out.

Do you ever just know??

I mean KNOW. Like with all your heart...with NO facts..but you just KNOW something is true or will happen or whatever....

I have never really been one to KNOW something without some fact behind it...but there is something that I just feel like I KNOW.

....not going to say what it is....because I am not sure about anything regarding it yet...its just this crazy strange feeling.

One upon a time....I felt like I KNEW something. I felt it in my bones...but now I know that the thing I felt was all created by people and circumstances and I read too much into it.

This has felt more instinctual since it ever came to be...

I guess my fear of KNOW-ing something...is that of course I could be wrong. I dont like being wrong, who does...but seriously, I get happy when I think that I KNOW something...this thing...but then I shake my head, bring myself back to reality and remember that I COULD be wrong. 

*shrug* 

Its just strange...and I know I am rambling....its not even that late.


The past 2 days I have been going to sleep at about 7am. Today I woke up at 5pm.

I think there is some depression and stress going on with this job situation. I am not used to not working. I always work. I have held a steady job since I was 16. Never left a job without having another job already in the bag. Its just kinda scary.

*le sigh* 

I am going to try and sleep at a normal time today.... wish me luck!

Back to the drawing board...

Yep....starting over...yet again. No..I am not taking about relationships...I am talking about jobs.

Yep...the place I was working fired me today over something that was just not true... *sigh*

Do I feel like fighting it?? Nope...because that place was kinda evil.

Am I sad?? A little...but I am not going to dwell on it.

Am I angry?? A little...but again, not going to let it take me down. I will find something else and things will work out.

So yep..starting over again. I have been applying for county jobs around my home area and have been hoping for one of them to pan out...so I still have lots of hope there but in the meantime, I will start applying for "regular" jobs again and something will work out.

This is the time to practice the idea of "keeping the faith".

Its Friday! ....

It is...really...I checked. 12:41 am. 

I am just getting home from work... I asked to take a partial or a full day off tomorrow...so we shall see what they say. 

I am sure the half day is guaranteed but I don't know about the full day. My boss hates me. I pretty much don't like her...she hurts my feelings. Sucks because I think she would be super cool if she wasn't my boss...but such is life.


So...why am I so excited that its Friday??


Well...2 reasons. It is PAYDAY! Woot. Who doesn't love payday and two... its hangout with Morel Oral alone day!! OMG!! YAY!!


I am so excited to spend some quality time alone with him and really get to relax together. I know its only been 2 weeks since we were really last alone but it feels like FOREVER. October 30th was the last time we spent the night together...so that's... *counts* 13 days... my lucky number (if you could not tell from my blog address) 


but yes yes...I am excited!!


In other good news... 


The menu is finalized...did I say that yesterday?? My menu for Saturday nights rocking out cook fest at Morel's parents house! WOOT!

Chef...at work...my chef...I love him...even gave me some lessons and will be giving me some product to cook with and make it all nice! Saves me a TON of money. Seriously. He is providing the MAIN protein for the night...that is HUGE.


I need to do a few things tonight...which include making a shopping list...(for personal and food products) ... as well as try and figure out a timeline and such.


I am just thrilled that this week is over.


I worked an hour unpaid tonight because I wanted to get this project done that needed to be done in case maybe that will influence them into giving me tomorrow off...since well...the project wont need to be done tomorrow! 

It wasn't even due until January! WOOT. 


All that needs to be done now is the labels to be printed and stuck onto files. That is SO easy. The hard part was getting everyone onto a sticker...which is what I typed up tonight.


Phew.




Now..I have to try and get some sleep...just in case they don't let me take the full day off tomorrow... but either way...I am happy. 


Its FRIDAY!!

Soundtracks....

Watching so many movies...seeing those magical moments accompanied by music that just fits so perfectly, *swoon* 

I want a soundtrack.

Talking to Morel Oral once about music and breakups... and he said he has always tried to make sure that there was no music playing when a breakup was happening, so that way there wouldnt be this ONE song that reminds either of them of the moment that was not so great in their relationship.

I thought that was a great idea...but in keeping in that spirit...maybe I should try harder to have music playing during the good moments of my life! 

When I worked in the call center, I always had music on. I literally had headphones on while helping customers. People were amazed that I could do that....it made my job easier as far as I was concerned. It gave me something to sorta ignore to concentrate harder on the task at hand.


Same with being an inventory manager. That was really to break the silence. It was me...and a bunch of inventory....in a small room... alone. People came in to check things out but that was about it. It was a rough job! So there was always music.


Generally, if I am not watching TV...I am listening to music. There is something on in one way or another.


Right now I am blogging to my Fall 2010 playlist (a playlist that is currently in progress) and the Pet Shop Boys are on. Oh yes... Pet Shop Boys....West End Girls... dont be jealous. I know you are....but dont.


I have songs that remind me of things...I have songs that instantly make me sad or happy or mellow or angry.


The joy that music brings is amazing...the raw emotions it can pull from a person or the feelings it can conger up....I find it all fascinating. 


My best girlfriend... (hurm...she needs a nickname!) .... she has a few bands that in my head only equate to her. New Found Glory for example... its all her. No one else. Even bands I did not see with her...like Bayside... but especially ones like Something Corporate ....


**interrupted by a LOUD knock at the front door**


It was UPS ...with nothing good. Oh well.


Now I am all lost in my thoughts....but listening to Mumford and Sons .... which is a band that I think will end up being dedicated to Morel Oral... something about the British folk rock thing reminds me of him.


Maybe its the dream I have of seeing the world with this guy...I am just so comfortable...and I dont want anything more than this...I just want everything to be the way it is....our story will be written and told....

See...Mumford and Sons...causes me to ramble on about fantasy ...this kinda dreamy stomach flip kinda intense love/passion that feels like it will never die. 

*gag* was that lame or what!?!? hahaha <3


Oh...I need to make a shopping list!

Alrighty....soundtracks to our lives.... lets work on them! Play music whenever possible...and the songs will eventually match up and create these perfect magic moments!

PMS....another one of lifes cruel jokes...(rant)

Tonight I realized...its PMS time.

How do I know??

I had not been getting many replies from Moral via text. I did get one that mentioned he saw his new baby niece tonight and I was happy for him. I replied and then heard nothing back.

Lucky me...I got off work an hour early. I sent him a text to say I was off an hour early...basically hoping he would be like ... COME SEE ME... and I didn't hear anything back. So 15 minutes later, I called.

He was at band practice. Not his band mind you (he is a musician without a band at the moment) but at the house of some mutual friends (more his than mine...I have longevity with them ...he has more time spent) ... and he had just been saying the night before how he wasn't going to go there as much. That he wanted to write more ...clean up his act (meaning ...smoke less) ...and so on and since at his parents house he doesn't do that, I assumed he was home. He didn't mention in the previous texts that he saw his niece and then went to Blazingwood (that's the name of the house)...

Normally not knowing that would irritate me... because I had this vision of hanging out for an hour or so...alone...with him sober... but no...he was out playing games with his friends and when I called...didn't even invite me over or say he wanted to see me.

So he said he would call me later and I said "I will just talk to you tomorrow." and hung up. 

No I love you... just a fuming mad hang up.

I mean irrationally...horribly mad...blood boiling.

So I drive home...almost make it and decide that since he said he was leaving Blazingwood in a few minutes that by the time I got there, he would be gone and I could hang with my friends and unwind some.

I get over there and he is still there... *sigh*

I wait in my car a little bit and nope... he doesn't leave. 

So I decide to go in... I of course am still irrationally mad.. so I give him the cold shoulder.

Basically the night is shitty. I have a shitty attitude...I cant shake it. Looking at him makes me angry...everything about him makes me angry because of one lame  thing.... not knowing what was going on earlier.


Yes...that would have bothered me if I was not PMSing....but when I am...its like 10x worse. 


So thats where I am at. 


I am home now... hung out long after Moral left...


Oh...yes...when he left I walked him to his car. Said I was sorry for being OFF...we hugged and kissed and he said he would text when he got home. 


Couple hours later...no text.


So that is irritating me now too....and basically I am caught between being so angry that I want to throw in the towel (like I said...irrational anger) and feeling like I fucked up so bad that he will never speak to me again.


I am watching crap TV to try and slow down my mind...and of course...ranting on here.


This is NOT what I wanted to use my blog for....but I feel like I need to document these feelings in order to make any progress with them. 


*sigh* 


I really hate that the day went down like this. I am glad I went over there because we did talk and cuddle some...even though I wanted to rip his head off most of the time.


Oh well... tomorrow is another day.


I am going to leave it up to him to make the first move tomorrow... I just hope he does.

Hello...my name is Jessica... and I am a spazzy over-thinker

(and the group says??)

HI JESSICA.

Yep, I am a total spazzy over thinker. I over process. I worry and stress and think and think and worry and wonder and ... it just continues.

So... right now I am worrying/stressing/over-thinking this upcoming weekend.

Background:

Before ...Moral Orel and I used to see each other a lot. Like almost every day kinda thing. It was nice.

It was only a very short while...but it was a nice routine to have.

Now we both live with our parents. We now see each other kinda like high school kids who go do different schools...on weekends.  His weekends and mine do not always match up...and well...neither of us believes in being intimate in the parental units homes....so we are even more limited.

On the 30th, we stayed in a hotel...just one night after moving all day. It was nice. I had to work on the 31st.

We have seen each other since...lunches and dinners and even hung out all day Sunday...but again...with parental units.

So this upcoming weekend, we are staying in a hotel! (woohoo!)...I am looking at the dates of my last period ...and I fear it might come just in time for our lovely weekend together... *sigh* and on Saturday night.. we were going to do the original meet the parents thing then...

I instead met them early (while Moral was moving) and have hung out a couple of times since.

So the formal dinner out has turned into more of a make dinner at his parents house so his sister (who just had the baby the other day) could come if she wanted. A more casual yet a bit more pressure since I will be cooking....

I am now working with chef (my chef here at work...I just call him chef) who is a Michelin star rated chef...he is super cool and I think brilliant and fun...

So chef... is helping me create the menu...a wine sales rep was kind enough to offer me a bottle for each course I make... he said just to send him the menu and he will rock out the wine for each course. (WOW!!)

....so now working on a menu...praying I don't get my period... missing Moral... not getting to speak to him too often (he works mornings and I work nights) ...

Did I mention he does not like to communicate via text??...that just kills me!!

I am always worrying about annoying him with texts or emails or whatever...but I work in a place where I cant be on the phone. So its just a mess.

....ok...wrap up the worry. This is my list of stuff I am spazzing out over now.

1: Possible visit from aunt flow
2: Menu for Saturday night
3: Annoying the one I love and miss with my crazy spazzy over thinking texts
4: Crating a romantic weekend
5: Not being too pushy (not sure about what but I always worry about that)

so like... I dunno.


I just need to calm down....its just not happening.

Hey Jealousy! ...

Welcome to the world.

Moral Orel's sister had her first baby tonight. Its a little girl. I bet she is beautiful.

...as I sit here at work...I find myself a bit jealous in a couple of ways. I know jealousy is a terrible thing or whatever...but I feel it a lot...I don't let it change my life...but it happens.

So jealousy point number 1.

Moral Orel is now an uncle. How cool is that!??! I am an only child. I will never be an aunt. My kids wont have other kids to play with in the family. My generation is damn small. My kids wont have cousins.

Sometimes I am jealous of brother/sister relationships or siblings in general. I wonder what it will be like when I lose my mom and I am truly left alone.


Second jealousy point....

I sorta want a kid. Not like OOOO... I WANT A BABY...but sometimes I think about it.

Back in March I was pregnant. Yep...you heard it. Pregnant. I obviously was not able to carry that baby to term ...since I am talking now about wanting kids...

I never really wanted kids before that happened. I was so scared and I just cried and cried. I woke up and knew I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and they said "No way...not with all the medicine you are on." Which by the way included birth control.

But I knew with certainty that I was pregnant....and I was.

I finally made peace with the idea. I bought the books, I talked with a dula friend of mine... I even had a dream about the babies name. I knew it was a girl...and her name was Teagan. A good Irish name.

But then it was over. It was emotional. It was exhausting.

I found myself angry at the father of this now not baby because he had not wanted it...and even requested termination at one point saying "It would be best..."

So he got his way....but naturally.

I felt like a failure. I still sometimes feel like a failure. Its one of those things that a woman is just supposed to be able to do. We make babies! Crack heads... whores...people who hate their children....who drink and smoke through pregnancy...they have babies.

Yet I failed.

*sniffle* ....this all still makes me cry.

I have felt like less of a woman ever since. Depression got worse. Relationship fell apart (but he was a VIOLENT ASSHOLE anyways..and proved to be more so as we broke up) ...

.... so when someone has a baby or I see someone who is pregnant I get jealous.

Maybe its not even jealous...maybe its sad. Maybe it just brings up all the wrong feelings.



So now Moral Orel is an uncle. I am excited for him. He is a wonderful man. He will be a great uncle. He will teach her to be smart and proud of that. He will love her and he will be loved. I think this will change his life forever.

.....like I said....I am jealous of this experience and feeling that I will never get to have (the uncle/aunt part that is) ....


I hope someday people are texting and blogging about my baby. That I am a good mother. That someone loves me enough to want to make that family with me.

Because without family....(the one you are born into or the one you create) ...what else is there??

If its not one thing...its another...

Happy Saturday to all...

Today is one of those busy days at work. We have a wedding here today along with Restaurant Week going on (Meaning...instead of being a members only club, the public can come and dine with us.) and then the bar is open for members only.

.... right now...the wedding is getting underway. Well...the reception portion of it...which is all anyone cares about anyways...hahaha

Weddings are a strange thing to me. They are part fashion show, part "LOOK AT ME", part show and tell and part reunion.

As they walk into our venue, they pick up their place cards. This is where I am stationed most of the night. This is also where members will also check in with me here as well as the public for restaurant week.

So my night starts with a fashion show!

Moms always sorta look the same...you can tell family of the bride and groom...and you can always tell which girl is a date who is trying too hard and wants to be the next bride OR a girl who is insecure and feels the need to be the "hottest" girl in the room.

Now...yes...this is me sounding all judgemental...and yeah...I guess I am being that way but seriously. There is always at least one girl dressed for a club rather than a wedding.

Now.. (I like the word NOW...can you tell?) ... NOW... I do not really have the right to tell people what to wear. Standards of dress and most dress codes I think are lame lame lame....but I think there is a sorta overall theme to any event. Nothing wrong with some rebellion. A good accessory or whatever. Show off your personality.

I am never quite properly dressed. I will have the general idea with some chains or whatever thrown on top to make it my own rather than just a cookie cutter wedding outfit of a dress and heals...or whatever.

I have been known to rock a suit at a wedding...or more of a gothic style...even a little punk now and again....but tonight...there is a dress.

It is short....like she keeps pulling it down short (meaning she isn't even truly comfortable/confident in it) ...open back and the bust area is covered in sparkles...with tiny straps.

She just looks uncomfortable and doesn't match the sort of wedding this is at all (semi formal, island sorta vibe) ...


***** TWINS.... twin babies just came in. OMG

So ... this takes me to a whole other topic. I will get back to weddings I promise...

but OK...babies. *sigh*

I never really wanted kids. I would see them and be like EWWW GROSS.

Now... at 28.5 years old. Whenever I see a well behaved, cute kid...my heart melts and I swear my insides scream! Like...you know..my girl parts.

These twins are SO CUTE. A boy and a girl Austin and Dallas (cute no??) and they are baby babies. It is way too loud for them in here so they keep walking to the lobby. *swoon*

Ok..baby moment over...

****** Weddings.....

So yeah...where was I.

Ok ...we covered the fashion show part of it... I do enjoy the fashion show...its a lot of what to wear, what not to wear kinda stuff.

The LOOK AT ME part is obvious. Its a party for a specific couple. There are cameras and video and blah blah blah. Its definitely a thing about 2 people and hopefully they are showcasing their personalities and their interests and their love. It should be about them ...but if they are a caring bride and groom and love their guests, then they thought about the comforts of their guests.

Meaning food, drink and such at all the appropriate times.

Personally, I think there should be cocktail hour BEFORE the ceremony. That's just my style. I want everyone relaxed and happy before my wedding...not sitting there thinking "when are we going to get to eat?" and such.

Feed the guests...booze them up (as much as you deem appropriate) and then have them sit down for a wedding. Then MORE FOOD and drink and music and entertainment and so on.

Not super formal and on a time crunch...of course there is a schedule but nothing is perfect and nothing will flow perfectly smooth...so just sit back and roll with it.

.... the show and tell parts, as well as the reunion parts are kinda like DUH. I don't really think I need to cover those parts of a wedding. They are what they are and they are great. Getting family and friends together that have not been together in a while. AWESOME.


**SIDE NOTE**

Drunk girls already. Reception has only been on for an hour. Damn. hahaha



Well... I am sure I will have more to report at the end of my day. I think I am going to try and write a short daily summary before I go to bed. Even if I have posted a few times before....just so I kinda throw all my thoughts out of my head instead of keeping them in before bed.

Maybe it will help my sleep??

A Typical Friday Night...(mini rant)

I had plans tonight...I wanted things to be perfect (like I always obsess about) and of course, they did not turn out that way.

.... I am not displeased with my day...I met 2 very interesting people and got to spend more time with another person but there were 2 things that kinda threw me off. No no...3 things. 

1: There was a 20 year old girl there who was all cute and perfect and I was feeling frumpy and insecure. I came over to my friends house dressed to cook and work. We were supposed to be preparing for a garage sale.

Ok... 4 things....

2: Moral Orel and I didnt get to spend much time alone. We had not hung out since Tuesday and with us both living at our parents places for the next few months...I am feeling more greedy with our time and I wanted some attention tonight....that I really couldnt get.

3: I met my other friends girlfriend tonight. She is lovely...but again with the jealousy issues. Not worried about Moral drooling over them or anything...but I was feeling like I was under dressed and I dunno... twice the size of the other girls. Very un-feminine...which I feel a lot anyways....but I wasnt in the mood to feel that tonight.

4: At the end of the night...the 20 year old hooked up with one of the guys (I think they are dating seriously) but I mean HOOKED UP so loud that I took it as a cue to leave! She was LOUD. SO LOUD. It was like hanging out in a porno...

Ok....5 things.

I was not supposed to be DD... Moral picked me up and brought me a beautiful pink rose (super cute) and drove to our friends place.

5: I had to drive back and now I have his car at my house tonight. 

.... so there were just a bunch of things scattered through the night that were just UGH... I am glad the night is over. 



Now...as for the 2 people I met. One was the little brother of a friend...he was recently hit by a car and has 8 screws in his back and more surgery to come. He came over with a friend who has the most beautiful...thick ...Russian accent! We all sat around and played this Russian card game that after a bottle of wine...I was having a hard time learning.

We had a great time... I wish I wasnt so sleepy so I could elaborate more on the whole night...

I am a happy girl...it just didnt turn out like I wanted ... as they say...shit happens =)


More to come when I am more awake....Goodnight!

Membership has its privilages...doesn't it?

So as a concierge at a private club, I see a lot. Tons of drama, plenty of complaints and lots of shit talking.

Some of the members are my age...some are even younger *SHOCK* and I know what it takes to be a member here. Most of the memebers are old enough to be my parents (which is much more of a comfortable situation for me).

At times, I am sad that I am behind the desk instead of a memeber. I know, envy is a sin or whatever (not that I care much about the rules of sin but well..it is one on the list) but sometimes...just sometimes, I am sad, or mad or I spend time thinking of what could have been.

Like...if I had taken that job from that kid who was like "we are starting this site and you would be great..." (Facebook) or if I had taken the internship when I was 18 (Lucas Arts) ... or if I had stuck with the sports. Maybe if I had taken one of those life paths, worked a bit harder or whatever...then I would be a member rather than the girl who tells you where the bathroom is.

Its not that I have not been successful. I have worked for amazing companies doing great things; traveling, marketing, technical support stuff. I have SO much experience in SO many areas...but sometimes....I wonder if I could have done better.

****
This blog entry has been interupted more than once (Like 10 times really). I made the mistake of trying to blog at work...because I was inspired by all that was going on around me. I am going to try and pick up my train of thought again.

****

20 minutes later....

Darn it. I lost it. My train of thought that is. The whole point to this thing. I know it had something to do with watching the interaction of this committee that was meeting in the main lounge and the young executives that had a mixer in the main ballroom...but *shrug* ...its gone.

Maybe it will come back later.

Boy with the Dragon Tattoo...

So this whole journal was actually inspired by an interaction I had last night.

Yesterday sorta sucked in the morning. I went to work...had drama there (no need to worry about the details)..my bra broke (underwire RIGHT IN THE BOOBIE)... but I was grateful to get off early.

I had been chatting with Moral Orel and we decided to meet up downtown and get some drinks. I found a place that has a 3.00 drink happy hour like a few blocks from work.

Ended up being in pain, so I wanted to go home and get medicine first and change my bra before we hooked up. Moral Orel suggested I come pick him up since we live pretty close by each other and one car makes more sense.

Pick up the boy and head over to happy hour!

Walk in and the place is busy! I was kinda surprised...it was a Tuesday after all.

Took a seat in the very corner of the bar and ordered a couple of beers.

We had some great conversations...eventually got to put the election results on the TV that was right above our heads and ordered a few munchies.

This whole time I have my eye on this guy working the floor. His presence was amazing. He was well over 6' tall and head shaved. His left arm was covered in some beautiful tattoo work. All I could make out from where I was sitting was the Asian lettering on the underside of his arm.

Looking at him and the way he commanded things...I swore he had to be the floor manager.

So I asked the bartender...who herself was an amazing human being. She was SLAMMED and just made it work. I made sure to say please and thank you to her a lot. I mean, she is across the street from a college...kids can be rude and I could tell she was a bit frazzled but holding her own. She was lovely.

But anyways...I asked her if he was the floor manager and she said, "No, he is just a waiter."

I knew he wasn't JUST anything. I wanted to know more and head more and so I decided before I left that I would speak to him. I wanted to know if his voice matched his physique...I was just drawn to this person. He wasn't hot or sexy or whatever normally people mean when they say they are drawn to someone.

So I walked up to him and complemented his tattoos. He was thrilled. We talked for a few minutes and I left totally high on life.

I now have a memory with someone. A shared experience. Something special and new.

Those are the moments I hold onto in life. Knowing that maybe...someday...this guy will look back and remember me just as I look back and remember him.

That is how you live forever.... in memories.

...and away we go!

So this is it. My first post in my new journal. I keep thinking that there should be some grand introduction but in all reality, I am starting this because of all the changes I have been through in the past few months.

....so I guess a good way to start out will be to sum up all that stuff from the past..well...few months!

May 2010
*Turned 28!
*Went to Monkey show at the Crepe Place with long time friends.

June 2010
*Eemergency surgery
*Ddecided to move from Sacramento back to the Bay Area.
*Started hanging out with old friends again.

July 2010
*Monkey show at Homestead Lanes in Cupertnio.
*Relationship began to fall apart.
*Depression about job/life kicked in.

August 2010
*Moved to the Bay Area.
*Broke up.
*Moved in with mom.
*Started new job as a concierge.
*

You know... as I write out this basic timeline...I start to wonder how important it is. I don't think it is all that important so frankly, I am going to stop there. It doesn't really matter where I have been...it just matters where I am right now.

I am so happy right now. Even in the middle of the most chaos and financial issues and life changing and job frustrations (yes..the new job)...I am happy.

I have lots of dreams and I am working towards them. I am hanging out with a wonderful boy...who in this journal I will call Moral Orel...(more to come on that later) and I am just enjoying my time.

Most of my life has been spent so far out in the future. Dreaming of marriage (I am divorced currently) or planning big things or praying things will change...but I was never really living in the moment...and lately, since my life sorta fell apart and all my plans and dreams went to shit...I have been more focused on the here and now.

I do not waste time dreaming of some grand future with Moral Orel, because I just enjoy being with him now. That doesn't mean I do not think that we have a future together....actually it is quite the opposite. I truly believe no matter what, that in some capacity, we will be together. Friends or more or whatever...I have a blast when we are together and I don't want to miss any of those moments by dreaming and thinking too far into the future.

I think the downfall of a lot of my relationships is that I was always hoping it would get better. Dreaming of the future and how things would be better if ... IF...always IF.

Now...I am not dreaming of IF...I am not thinking IF... everything is great...


.....there are other aspects of my life I want to improve.

Physical health. I want to workout more and lose some weight. Get buff and sexy...and be healthy and prepare to someday, have kids. Well...A kid. Singular.

So my steps towards this include joining a gym (CHECK) ...using it (not so check) and eating/journaling food (have not started yet)

Work. I want a real career. I want to make enough money to travel. Which involves finishing school.

Steps: Go back to school (semi check. I am on a break right now due to finances)....applying for jobs that pay well and have regular type hours (CHECK. I have even tested for a county job!)

But yeah...in general...things are good.

My goal for this journal is to blurt out my thoughts and feelings for the day. Get my ducks in a row and inspire myself and who knows..maybe others.

I want to share my interactions...my silly moments, the amazing people I meet. Because I think that they are worth remembering.

....meeting people gets me HIGH! I love learning about someone. I love making them smile. Its the most amazing feeling in the world.

So I guess that's it for now. Maybe more after work. See how this goes.

Wish me luck!