16 and Pregnant... damn you MTV

Sometimes I stay up late and waste my time online... 

Ok...most nights I waste my time online ....and tonight I have decided to waste my time on MTV.com 

I believe I have mentioned before...that I had a miscarriage in April...

That was the first time I have ever been prego...before that, I was never even sure I wanted kids. In fact..I was pretty against having kids. I never really saw it in my life.

Then...one Sunday morning, I woke up and KNEW I was pregnant. I mean, I just knew. I was 100% sure and all the tests proved my gut right.

That was the first time I had ever felt this like...supreme knowledge, where every fiber in your being tells you the answer to the question you did not even ask. 

We were careful....I mean really overly 2 types of birth control kinda careful and here I was...28 and pregnant.

This is of course much better than 16 and pregnant...

My now ex...did not want the baby and I was scared to death...but I knew at that moment that I wanted to be a mom.


Now...I get these pings of mom craving (especially the week after my period...which ended 2 days ago) ....

but I am way off track...

I used to watch 16 and Pregnant before this whole thing happened. I made snotty remarks about how stupid these kids were and so on...

Now...tonight as I watch this...I am jealous. Part of me is like "wow...I want this too."

Of course its not in the cards right now. I do not have a job, I live at home and I am barely into a new relationship....but I really feel like its something that I want and as I get older...(I know I am not OLD...but...I would like to have kids before a certain age) ...I just hope that someday I will be married and have my guy say he wants to have a baby too.

When I am with 21...(Yes...Moral Orel is now being called 21) ...I feel like this is it. That I have found the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. As someone who was married before...I can honestly say that I did NOT feel this then nor with any other person.

The feeling physically mimics the KNOWING feeling I had when I knew I was prego....and that is so calming and so scary at the same time. 

I see all these things I want and I know they are lining up in some ways...but I am so scared that this feeling is wrong and these things wont happen.

....I dont know...I am rambling and I can tell I am just tired. 

Its just strange being jealous of a show I spent so much time looking down on.

Good things will come...my life will come back together...and how things are meant to happen will happen. <3